Jun 11, 2011

The Real L Word

Last night I watched my first episode of
with The Girlfriend.

I feel like a terrible lesbian for never having seen it before...
A bunch of real lesbians going through real lesbian things?
Really hot women that love women?
Drama?
How could I not have watched this before?!

Anyway!
Today (at work, as usual) I was thinking about things lesbians do, and you know what I realized? Lesbians kick the shit out of reality TV.
We have got to be the most dramatic minority group ever.
Why hadn't anyone made a reality TV show out of us sooner?

Needless to say...
I'm ready to watch every single episode of The Real L Word the moment they each air.

Are you a lesbian that's never watched it before?
Shame on you.
Watch it.
Love it.
Become addicted.

Jun 9, 2011

Random Work Thought

Today I got back to work after having five days off...
Needless to say, it wasn't what I wanted to be doing.
However, while I'm at work, my mind often wanders.
Today it wandered to lands of relevance to the blog!

So while I was making a stupid bed at the stupid hotel,
I started thinking about Ellen.
I think every lesbian randomly thinks of Ellen at some point
during the day... Right?
Anyway, I was thinking about Ellen and remembered that
I had heard she cheated on Portia.
I don't know if this is true or not and I somehow doubt it,
but I was thinking,
"Who the hell would cheat on that beautiful woman?!"

Then it hit me...

The general female population doesn't cheat because
their significant other isn't attractive enough or doesn't
put out enough...
They cheat because of the emotions involved in the relationship.
Suddenly, at this seemingly random moment in time,
I had figured out why lesbians cheat so damn much.

Because two emotionally charged women in a single
relationship are bound to have their emotions... Wander.

Not only do women cheat because of their emotions,
but they cheat emotionally the majority of the time.
It's just not about the sex for us ladies.

Don't get me wrong, women love sex as much as,
if not more than, men do.
We just don't build relationships on it.

That's it.
There's not really a point.

Kbai!

Jun 2, 2011

The 5 Deadly Phrases

Well hello there.
I'm blogging from bed again tonight,
but this post needed to be done while I was still
inspired to do it.
:]

What are we talking about?
The 5 Deadly Phrases!
What are The 5 Deadly Phrases?
I'll tell you:

"Fine."
"Fine," is what she uses at the end of an argument when
she knows she's right and you're wrong. At this point, it's
time to just shut up.

"Nothing."
"Nothing," always means "Something," and you should be worried.

"Go ahead."
"Go ahead," is a dare. Not permission.
Don't do it.

"Whatever."
"Whatever," is what she says when she's thinking "Fuck you."

"I don't care."
"I don't care," actually means "I care," and that she is thinking
long and hard about how and when you will be paying for this.

It's amazing to me sometimes that us lesbians can be so
oblivious to the language of a woman.
(And believe me; it is its own language.)
I mean, come on...
We're women who date women.
You think we'd know all there is to know!
And while I still hold true to thinking that lesbians are the
best people to ask for girl advice, sometimes we have nothing
better to say than, "I don't know."

One more article of evidence that women are complicated,
complicated, complicated beings.

May 31, 2011

Rulebook Installation #12

Hello again!
I just want everyone to know that the blog's face-lift has
turned into one hell of a project.
But don't worry!
I'm determined.
Every day it gets closer and closer to being finished.
But for now, please excuse the incomplete feeling
and the "COMING SOON!" in various places.

Now, let's get down to business.
Rulebook Installation #12!
U-Hauling is NOT an appropriate second date.

I don't know what it is with lesbians and wanting to move
in with each other immediately, but even I am guilty of
this one, ladies. It's almost like we invite the cute girl from
the library over to have coffee and talk about books and
BAM!
She becomes a permanent fixture in the house.

The problem with this?
She's not nearly as permanent as we believe her to be.

Moving someone into your personal space right after meeting
them isn't a good idea for anyone, let alone two emotionally
charged women who have no idea what each other is really like.

And there you have it.
Take your newest lady interest out for coffee or something
for your second date and don't bring a U-Haul with you.

May 29, 2011

Rulebook Installation #11

Well Hello!
How has everyone been?
Good?
Good.

So I was just lying here in bed
glancing over past posts here on Things Lesbians Do
and I realized that there are many more than
just 10 Lesbian Rules to Live By.

Many more.

I've decided that I will add installments of said rules
as they come up and combine them into
a sort of rulebook here.

Don't worry, I'll make a nice little tab at the top for you.

So without further delay...
Rulebook Installation #11
Do NOT Recycle Girlfriends

This is a problem that is more than just common when
you have a group of lesbians that are all friends,
this is a problem that is damn-near universal
in every group of lesbians that are all friends.

Generally a group of lesbian friends are mostly paired
off into couples, and of course some of those couples are
bound to break up. Where does the recycling come in?
When someone else in the group of friends snatches up
one of the exes from said break up and claims her for
their own.

Listen, ladies...
This is bad.
Lesbians are known for their mass amounts of drama,
but I do believe that it's safe to say Girlfriend Recycling
is one of the major causes of the Lesbian Drama.

I don't know what it is about lesbians, but we all seem to
not only make commitments very quickly and without
thinking them through
(see: U-Hauling)
but we also cycle through said commitments very quickly.
Lesbo Herds who suffer from Girlfriend Recycling basically
then get to pick one of two fates:
Complete shattering of the group
or
Becoming a weird little incestuous, we-share-everything! kind
of lesbian family.

Neither fate is really all that appealing.
Well, at least not for very long.
>.>

Apr 14, 2011

I ♥ Boobies!

Hello there, fellow bumpers!
Today we're talking about lesbians and those cute little breast cancer awareness bracelets.

They come in many different colors and they support a cause.
Not just any cause, but a cause that all lesbians should and do get behind.
Of course we love boobies!
So of course we love these bracelets!
There's also bumper stickers, t-shirts and all kinds of miscellaneous paraphernalia.
Why is this important to lesbians?
When wearing one of these bracelets or sporting a bumper sticker,
it very plainly states:
"I love boobs."

Is there any better way to support a cause and announce your sexual preference,
but only for those who know what to look for?
Let's be honest here:
Lesbians love causes almost as much as they love boobs.
This "I ♥ Boobies!" campaign appeals almost more to the lesbian community
than to only those who have direct experiences with breast cancer.

I ♥ Boobies!
You ♥ Boobies!
We all ♥ causes!

If you haven't already,
go out and buy a bracelet.
SUPPORT BOOBS!

Also:
Please excuse my absence.
Training for work started Tue & Wed
And it starts back up again this Mon
Mon - Fri: 9AM - 5PM
I'll be busy, but I won't forget you!
I promise. ♥

Apr 2, 2011

Types of Lesbians

[[ MYTH: All lesbians are the same. ]]

I hope no one out there actually thought that all lesbians are the same, because oh how wrong you would be. Think about it... We're women who date other women. How could you ever expect things to be simple?

Now, let's dive right in here. Keep in mind that these are all very general and there are still many variations of the types I have listed here, but I'm trying to keep you from getting completely lost right off the bat. There will be plenty of time for me to get into the little off-shoots of each of these types. You may fit well into one of these types, you may fit well into a few of these types, or you may not fit into any of them. That's all well and good, I promise. Every single person is different, and every single lesbian is different as well. Here we go.

BUTCH

Butch lesbians are lesbians who sport mainly "masculine" characteristics. A butch lesbian has short hair, baggy clothes, no makeup and an overall low-maintenance appearance. Most people think of images like the one above when they think of lesbians. Butch lesbians are often very sporty and enjoy team sports such as football, baseball, softball and soccer.

SOFT-BUTCH/CHAPSTICK
Soft-butch or chapstick lesbians are lesbians who still show "feminine" characteristics but dress in a much more androgynous style. Their hair is often short to medium length and messy. They may wear makeup but generally very little and they are seen most often in jeans and a t-shirt. A soft-butch or chapstick lesbian's idea of dressing up is generally a button-up collared shirt and a loose tie.

FEMME/LIPSTICK
Femme or lipstick lesbians are lesbians who simply ooze "feminine" characteristics and style. They like makeup, jewelry, pretty dresses and shoes. Femme or lipstick lesbians usually have medium to long hair and are often the more high-maintenance types of lesbians. They dislike getting dirty or going out in public without getting ready.



BOI
A boi is a type of lesbian who acts and dresses in a "masculine" fashion, throwing most - if not all - "feminine" characteristics out the door. Boi lesbians are the ones that, when you see them on the street, you often turn to a friend and whisper, "Is that a girl or a boy?" The correct answer to that question: "It's a boi."

POWER DYKE/SUIT
A power dyke or suit lesbian is a lesbian in a position of power. They are often wearing dress suits or women's pant suits and are generally very dominant and a no-nonsense type of woman. Their hair may be long, medium or short but is always very clean and professional; as is the rest of their appearance.

DIESEL DYKE
A diesel dyke is a lesbian who is often heavy-set and very "masculine" in personality and appearance. Many members of the Dykes On Bikes section of any gay pride parade are diesel dykes. They generally hold jobs such as truck driver, bus driver, mechanic, etc.

SPORT DYKE
A sport dyke is a lesbian who plays sports but is still rather "feminine." Their hair is often a long or medium length and is styled in a way that keeps it out of their face. The sports that a sport dyke usually plays are non-team sports such as tennis and track. Their style is often a low maintenance one but do not assume that they are low maintenance people; they are not. A sport dyke is usually militant about staying fit, monitoring their diet and exercising on a regular basis.


INCOGNITO LESBIAN
An incognito lesbian is a lesbian that you absolutely do not believe is actually a lesbian until... Well, until she proves it. (Example: Portia De Rossi - pictured above) Even when an incognito lesbian has a really gay backdrop, such as being at a gay bar or a gay pride event, you still assume that she is a straight girl who was dragged there by her gay friends because she just does not look gay. The difference between an incognito and a lipstick lesbian is that you can still tell that a lipstick is gay when you look at her.

BABY DYKE
A baby dyke is a lesbian that is young and/or has just come out of the closet. Baby dykes are usually a mod-podge of many different previously listed types of lesbian as they are just beginning to explore their lesbian selves. They can be spotted by the amount of gay pride paraphernalia they are wearing, which is generally an excessive amount.

L.U.G. - LESBIAN UNTIL GRADUATION
A L.U.G. (Lesbian Until Graduation) is a woman who expresses great interest in women while in college but then ends up marrying a man once out of college. L.U.G.s are often feminists in college as well and may or may not grow out of it after college.

BIEBIAN
A Biebian is a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber.

KRISBIAN

A Krisbian is a woman who is only gay for Kristen Stewart and is otherwise straight.


HASBIAN
A hasbian is a woman who was once a lesbian but now expresses interest in men. This could be a switch from lesbian to straight or from lesbian to bisexual. It can be safely assumed that a hasbian was never really a lesbian at all. Bisexual maybe, but not a lesbian.

GOLD STAR
A gold star lesbian is a lesbian who has never been with a man.

LONE STAR
A lone star lesbian is a lesbian who has only been with one woman and no men.

STONE BUTCH
A stone butch lesbian is a lesbian who only gives sexual pleasure and does not allow her partner to reciprocate.

PILLOW QUEEN
A pillow queen lesbian is a lesbian who only receives sexual pleasure and does not reciprocate for her partner.

-----------------------------------------

There you have it. A nice, neat little guide to the basic types of lesbians. Of course not all lesbians will fit neatly in only one of these types. Each of us is different and many of us are a mixture of two or more of these types, but if you were to try lumping all of us into categories, these would be the basic ones to use.

Where do you fit?