Apr 14, 2011

I ♥ Boobies!

Hello there, fellow bumpers!
Today we're talking about lesbians and those cute little breast cancer awareness bracelets.

They come in many different colors and they support a cause.
Not just any cause, but a cause that all lesbians should and do get behind.
Of course we love boobies!
So of course we love these bracelets!
There's also bumper stickers, t-shirts and all kinds of miscellaneous paraphernalia.
Why is this important to lesbians?
When wearing one of these bracelets or sporting a bumper sticker,
it very plainly states:
"I love boobs."

Is there any better way to support a cause and announce your sexual preference,
but only for those who know what to look for?
Let's be honest here:
Lesbians love causes almost as much as they love boobs.
This "I ♥ Boobies!" campaign appeals almost more to the lesbian community
than to only those who have direct experiences with breast cancer.

I ♥ Boobies!
You ♥ Boobies!
We all ♥ causes!

If you haven't already,
go out and buy a bracelet.
SUPPORT BOOBS!

Also:
Please excuse my absence.
Training for work started Tue & Wed
And it starts back up again this Mon
Mon - Fri: 9AM - 5PM
I'll be busy, but I won't forget you!
I promise. ♥

Apr 2, 2011

Types of Lesbians

[[ MYTH: All lesbians are the same. ]]

I hope no one out there actually thought that all lesbians are the same, because oh how wrong you would be. Think about it... We're women who date other women. How could you ever expect things to be simple?

Now, let's dive right in here. Keep in mind that these are all very general and there are still many variations of the types I have listed here, but I'm trying to keep you from getting completely lost right off the bat. There will be plenty of time for me to get into the little off-shoots of each of these types. You may fit well into one of these types, you may fit well into a few of these types, or you may not fit into any of them. That's all well and good, I promise. Every single person is different, and every single lesbian is different as well. Here we go.

BUTCH

Butch lesbians are lesbians who sport mainly "masculine" characteristics. A butch lesbian has short hair, baggy clothes, no makeup and an overall low-maintenance appearance. Most people think of images like the one above when they think of lesbians. Butch lesbians are often very sporty and enjoy team sports such as football, baseball, softball and soccer.

SOFT-BUTCH/CHAPSTICK
Soft-butch or chapstick lesbians are lesbians who still show "feminine" characteristics but dress in a much more androgynous style. Their hair is often short to medium length and messy. They may wear makeup but generally very little and they are seen most often in jeans and a t-shirt. A soft-butch or chapstick lesbian's idea of dressing up is generally a button-up collared shirt and a loose tie.

FEMME/LIPSTICK
Femme or lipstick lesbians are lesbians who simply ooze "feminine" characteristics and style. They like makeup, jewelry, pretty dresses and shoes. Femme or lipstick lesbians usually have medium to long hair and are often the more high-maintenance types of lesbians. They dislike getting dirty or going out in public without getting ready.



BOI
A boi is a type of lesbian who acts and dresses in a "masculine" fashion, throwing most - if not all - "feminine" characteristics out the door. Boi lesbians are the ones that, when you see them on the street, you often turn to a friend and whisper, "Is that a girl or a boy?" The correct answer to that question: "It's a boi."

POWER DYKE/SUIT
A power dyke or suit lesbian is a lesbian in a position of power. They are often wearing dress suits or women's pant suits and are generally very dominant and a no-nonsense type of woman. Their hair may be long, medium or short but is always very clean and professional; as is the rest of their appearance.

DIESEL DYKE
A diesel dyke is a lesbian who is often heavy-set and very "masculine" in personality and appearance. Many members of the Dykes On Bikes section of any gay pride parade are diesel dykes. They generally hold jobs such as truck driver, bus driver, mechanic, etc.

SPORT DYKE
A sport dyke is a lesbian who plays sports but is still rather "feminine." Their hair is often a long or medium length and is styled in a way that keeps it out of their face. The sports that a sport dyke usually plays are non-team sports such as tennis and track. Their style is often a low maintenance one but do not assume that they are low maintenance people; they are not. A sport dyke is usually militant about staying fit, monitoring their diet and exercising on a regular basis.


INCOGNITO LESBIAN
An incognito lesbian is a lesbian that you absolutely do not believe is actually a lesbian until... Well, until she proves it. (Example: Portia De Rossi - pictured above) Even when an incognito lesbian has a really gay backdrop, such as being at a gay bar or a gay pride event, you still assume that she is a straight girl who was dragged there by her gay friends because she just does not look gay. The difference between an incognito and a lipstick lesbian is that you can still tell that a lipstick is gay when you look at her.

BABY DYKE
A baby dyke is a lesbian that is young and/or has just come out of the closet. Baby dykes are usually a mod-podge of many different previously listed types of lesbian as they are just beginning to explore their lesbian selves. They can be spotted by the amount of gay pride paraphernalia they are wearing, which is generally an excessive amount.

L.U.G. - LESBIAN UNTIL GRADUATION
A L.U.G. (Lesbian Until Graduation) is a woman who expresses great interest in women while in college but then ends up marrying a man once out of college. L.U.G.s are often feminists in college as well and may or may not grow out of it after college.

BIEBIAN
A Biebian is a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber.

KRISBIAN

A Krisbian is a woman who is only gay for Kristen Stewart and is otherwise straight.


HASBIAN
A hasbian is a woman who was once a lesbian but now expresses interest in men. This could be a switch from lesbian to straight or from lesbian to bisexual. It can be safely assumed that a hasbian was never really a lesbian at all. Bisexual maybe, but not a lesbian.

GOLD STAR
A gold star lesbian is a lesbian who has never been with a man.

LONE STAR
A lone star lesbian is a lesbian who has only been with one woman and no men.

STONE BUTCH
A stone butch lesbian is a lesbian who only gives sexual pleasure and does not allow her partner to reciprocate.

PILLOW QUEEN
A pillow queen lesbian is a lesbian who only receives sexual pleasure and does not reciprocate for her partner.

-----------------------------------------

There you have it. A nice, neat little guide to the basic types of lesbians. Of course not all lesbians will fit neatly in only one of these types. Each of us is different and many of us are a mixture of two or more of these types, but if you were to try lumping all of us into categories, these would be the basic ones to use.

Where do you fit?

Mar 16, 2011

10 Lesbian Rules to Live By

Is anyone else hopeful that Kristen Stewart's Rob Pattinson phase will end and we'll all find out that she's really a lesbian?
[The Runaways, anyone?]

Moving on!

Today we're talking about
LESBIAN RULES TO LIVE BY

I seriously wish that my coming out of the closet experience had come with some form of a guidebook. A nice little list of DOs and DON'Ts would have saved me quite a bit of inconvenience(to say the least), so here I am trying to give you what I never had.

Rule One: Never date a bisexual.
Seriously. You can tell me I'm being discriminatory towards members of "my kind," but when a bisexual girl in a serious relationship says that the competition is not actually doubled and they only have eyes for you, they're lying. Any girl who is in a serious relationship with another girl and still calls herself bisexual is essentially saying, "I'm leaving my options open." Trust me on this one, ladies. Been there, done that. Also, the sex is meh at best.

Rule Two:
Don't use your sexuality for its shock factor.
Not only is this borderline-power-hungry as well as painfully similar to the way religious people tend to rub their beliefs in our faces, it's a sign of someone who's insecure with themselves and is little more than completely unattractive. My first instinct when meeting someone who does this is that they're not really gay; they're just "sticking it to the man."

Rule Three:
Do not expect to be immediately accepted.
And don't be offended when your "lifestyle" isn't accepted at all. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and you cannot tell me that there isn't a single "lifestyle" out there that you don't accept completely. Come on, people. If you don't want to be shit on, just walk away from the assholes.

Rule Four: Do not fight in front of other people.
Lesbians are inherently a dramatic lot as women who date other women. When mixing double the dose of estrogen as well as double the dose of emotional beings into a relationship, it's inevitable that there will be fights and that the majority of them will be over petty shit. Treat fighting like sex; keep it away from the public eye. This is nothing but inconsiderate towards - and awkward for - the unlucky souls that are present.

Rule Five: Keep the past in the past.
Women have a great number of talents. One of those talents is holding grudges without really knowing that they're holding them until an argument crops up. If something happened in the past that you've forgiven your partner for, leave it there. That time that they left the kitchen a mess has nothing to do with whatever you're fighting about now.

Rule Six: Don't snoop unless you're prepared for what you may find.
Women like to snoop when we get insecure in a relationship. Facebook, emails, phones... Technology has made snooping easier than ever. It is never a good idea. You're likely to find something that was completely innocent and, when you're looking for something incriminating, your mind can make anything seem terrible. Not only that, but you have then invaded the privacy of someone you're supposed to trust and when whatever you found turns out to be nothing at all, there's still that mistrust that must now be dealt with. I've been with a snooper before and trust me, ladies... It's irritating at the very least to have to worry about whether or not your partner is going to snoop through your shit again and start another fight over nothing at all. It's not worth it.

Rule Seven: Wash your hands. A lot.
Lesbians use their hands for sex. Lesbians also use their hands for everything else. Hands touch so many things in a single day before they ever touch your partner's happy place, so it only makes sense that you would want to keep them clean. Let's say you just ate a cupcake and maybe you got some frosting on your fingers. You figure licking the frosting off is good enough, but later that day you get your sexy times and that left-over sugar on your fingers goes into places it shouldn't be... BAM! Yeast infection. Also along these lines, keep your nails short ladies... This should be common sense. Those things can get sharp and sharp things do not belong between legs.

Rule Eight: Bumper stickers (etc.) proclaiming your sexuality.
If you're going to put a bumper sticker on your car, buy a t-shirt and/or wear a bracelet every day that proudly proclaims your sexuality for all the world to see, get over the fact that there will be someone who then defines you by your sexuality. Really you're the only one responsible. Have you ever hated being introduced to someone for the first time as "my lesbian friend"? Well wearing a t-shirt covered in rainbows with a big, bold "LESBIAN" across the front is essentially walking into a room saying, "Hey, everyone! I'm gay!" You are defining yourself by your sexuality and if you're not okay with someone else doing it, don't do it yourself.

Rule Nine: You are not Shane.
The L Word is not a bible for lesbian life. Be yourself. People will either like you for who you are or they won't. If they don't, move on. As someone who has watched their fair share of The L Word(maybe a bit more than my fair share), seeing a lesbian trying to be Shane is just annoying. Period.

Rule Ten: Choose your battles wisely.
Trying to fight with every person who gives you shit for being gay is only going to exhaust you and make you seem like a bitter lesbian. No one likes a bitter lesbian and the odds of you changing everyone's mind about homosexuality are nonexistent. Opinions are free and everyone has them. Let it be.

There you have it.
I'll leave you with a movie suggestion:
"Annabelle is the wise-beyond-her-years newcomer to an exclusive Catholic girls school. Having been expelled from her first two schools she's bound to stir some trouble. Sparks fly though when sexual chemistry appears between her and the Head of her dorm and English teacher, Simone Bradley."
Check it out. Not a jaw-dropping film, but a good one none the less.

Mar 10, 2011

First, the DON'Ts

Yes, I realize that this blog is titled "Things Lesbians DO" not "Things Lesbians DON'T DO" but I feel obligated to start with clearing up a few stereotypes.



1. PENIS ENVY

Look, the only reasons that lesbians want penises is 1) so that they aren't ridiculed for wanting women and 2) to pee standing up. We do not all want to be men, and even if we do want a penis, we can buy one that is far more reliable than the real thing. And they come in PRETTY COLORS!
2. FEMINISM
We are not all crazy, estrogen-overdosed, man-hating, anti-shaving feminists. Don't get me wrong here - we all love women and all kinds of women - but that doesn't make us all into extreme feminism.


3. KINKY SHEETS

I've noticed that many people assume that, because a woman is a lesbian, she must be into some really kinky shit.
Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... No.
Hey, we all have something that we enjoy during "business hours" that could be considered "kinky," but come on! The most common assumption is that we will allow straight men to watch. If I hear one more person ask, "You ladies are gay, right? So... Can I watch? I won't touch, I swear!"... Heads will roll.

4. PEDOPHILIA
I'm not even going to find a picture for this one because it is seriously ridiculous and probably the most hurtful of the stereotypes I've heard.
For the homos out there; have you ever been hanging out with family/friends, someone there has a child, and when you're the one the toddler waddles over to with their newest toy or whatever and you can feel the air suddenly turn into something electrified and all eyes are on you?
It's happened to me, and it never fails to hurt. I want to be a mom one day, and just because you think that homosexuality is some grave perversion dooming me into an eternity in hell does NOT mean that I have every other perversion you can think of.
/rant
That being said, there are a few stereotypes that are stereotypes for a reason.
We'll get into that one later.

Well hello, ladies...

Define: "lesbian"

lesbian: [lez-bee-uh n]
-noun
a female homosexual


What do we have here? Another lesbian blog?
You bet your ass we do! Why?
Because lesbians are full of themselves and what better way to indulge in our own superiority than with a blog?

Mhm.