Mar 16, 2011

10 Lesbian Rules to Live By

Is anyone else hopeful that Kristen Stewart's Rob Pattinson phase will end and we'll all find out that she's really a lesbian?
[The Runaways, anyone?]

Moving on!

Today we're talking about

I seriously wish that my coming out of the closet experience had come with some form of a guidebook. A nice little list of DOs and DON'Ts would have saved me quite a bit of inconvenience(to say the least), so here I am trying to give you what I never had.

Rule One: Never date a bisexual.
Seriously. You can tell me I'm being discriminatory towards members of "my kind," but when a bisexual girl in a serious relationship says that the competition is not actually doubled and they only have eyes for you, they're lying. Any girl who is in a serious relationship with another girl and still calls herself bisexual is essentially saying, "I'm leaving my options open." Trust me on this one, ladies. Been there, done that. Also, the sex is meh at best.

Rule Two:
Don't use your sexuality for its shock factor.
Not only is this borderline-power-hungry as well as painfully similar to the way religious people tend to rub their beliefs in our faces, it's a sign of someone who's insecure with themselves and is little more than completely unattractive. My first instinct when meeting someone who does this is that they're not really gay; they're just "sticking it to the man."

Rule Three:
Do not expect to be immediately accepted.
And don't be offended when your "lifestyle" isn't accepted at all. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and you cannot tell me that there isn't a single "lifestyle" out there that you don't accept completely. Come on, people. If you don't want to be shit on, just walk away from the assholes.

Rule Four: Do not fight in front of other people.
Lesbians are inherently a dramatic lot as women who date other women. When mixing double the dose of estrogen as well as double the dose of emotional beings into a relationship, it's inevitable that there will be fights and that the majority of them will be over petty shit. Treat fighting like sex; keep it away from the public eye. This is nothing but inconsiderate towards - and awkward for - the unlucky souls that are present.

Rule Five: Keep the past in the past.
Women have a great number of talents. One of those talents is holding grudges without really knowing that they're holding them until an argument crops up. If something happened in the past that you've forgiven your partner for, leave it there. That time that they left the kitchen a mess has nothing to do with whatever you're fighting about now.

Rule Six: Don't snoop unless you're prepared for what you may find.
Women like to snoop when we get insecure in a relationship. Facebook, emails, phones... Technology has made snooping easier than ever. It is never a good idea. You're likely to find something that was completely innocent and, when you're looking for something incriminating, your mind can make anything seem terrible. Not only that, but you have then invaded the privacy of someone you're supposed to trust and when whatever you found turns out to be nothing at all, there's still that mistrust that must now be dealt with. I've been with a snooper before and trust me, ladies... It's irritating at the very least to have to worry about whether or not your partner is going to snoop through your shit again and start another fight over nothing at all. It's not worth it.

Rule Seven: Wash your hands. A lot.
Lesbians use their hands for sex. Lesbians also use their hands for everything else. Hands touch so many things in a single day before they ever touch your partner's happy place, so it only makes sense that you would want to keep them clean. Let's say you just ate a cupcake and maybe you got some frosting on your fingers. You figure licking the frosting off is good enough, but later that day you get your sexy times and that left-over sugar on your fingers goes into places it shouldn't be... BAM! Yeast infection. Also along these lines, keep your nails short ladies... This should be common sense. Those things can get sharp and sharp things do not belong between legs.

Rule Eight: Bumper stickers (etc.) proclaiming your sexuality.
If you're going to put a bumper sticker on your car, buy a t-shirt and/or wear a bracelet every day that proudly proclaims your sexuality for all the world to see, get over the fact that there will be someone who then defines you by your sexuality. Really you're the only one responsible. Have you ever hated being introduced to someone for the first time as "my lesbian friend"? Well wearing a t-shirt covered in rainbows with a big, bold "LESBIAN" across the front is essentially walking into a room saying, "Hey, everyone! I'm gay!" You are defining yourself by your sexuality and if you're not okay with someone else doing it, don't do it yourself.

Rule Nine: You are not Shane.
The L Word is not a bible for lesbian life. Be yourself. People will either like you for who you are or they won't. If they don't, move on. As someone who has watched their fair share of The L Word(maybe a bit more than my fair share), seeing a lesbian trying to be Shane is just annoying. Period.

Rule Ten: Choose your battles wisely.
Trying to fight with every person who gives you shit for being gay is only going to exhaust you and make you seem like a bitter lesbian. No one likes a bitter lesbian and the odds of you changing everyone's mind about homosexuality are nonexistent. Opinions are free and everyone has them. Let it be.

There you have it.
I'll leave you with a movie suggestion:
"Annabelle is the wise-beyond-her-years newcomer to an exclusive Catholic girls school. Having been expelled from her first two schools she's bound to stir some trouble. Sparks fly though when sexual chemistry appears between her and the Head of her dorm and English teacher, Simone Bradley."
Check it out. Not a jaw-dropping film, but a good one none the less.


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  2. I am offended by rule 1. But otherwise I love it!

  3. Azure:
    I expected people to get offended by Rule One, but my statement stands. The qualifier here is a bisexual who is in a /serious relationship/ with another woman and still calls herself bisexual. It hurts when your partner calls herself bisexual... It stings even more when she leaves you for a man.

    1. I agree with that so much and I definitely stand by rule number one.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Yeah…but your sexual orientation isn't determined by who you're dating. I prefer women and have been in committed relationships with women, never cheating or leaving them for another person. If you're going to stereotype, I guess the natural punishment is that you miss out on the chance to meet people you could be compatible with. Yes, I get mad when women pretend to be bisexual to gain male approval, or because they want attention…but that's not everyone and I hope they figure out what they really want. Of course, I don't date bigots, straight or queer, and I know plenty of other ladies who don't, so…your loss. Have fun limiting your own options and perpetuating the divisions within the queer community!
      A Queer-Straight Alliance President and Queer Activist

    4. I am currently working on revising this blog, and the first rule is my top priority. I've come to realize that this particular rule is not fair and needs more qualifiers for it to make the sense that I wanted it to make. In fact, everyone's feelings about that rule will likely be addressed in a post all its own. I apologize for any ill-feelings this post has caused.

  4. I apologise in advance for the long response, but this is a subject that is rather important to me. So here goes:

    I completely understand how bisexuality can seem threatening, but in essence what you are saying is that just because someone is in a relationship with you, they should change who they are. Not to sound rude, but it is a little selfish and paranoid. A person who is truly bisexual is not "keeping their options open," but rather in their deepest heart of hearts are attracted to any gender for who they are and not for their gender label. This doesn't change just because at this specific moment they are in a relationship with a female. Not to mention that you wouldn't expect your (non bisexual) girlfriend to all of a sudden not find any other girls attractive because they are with you. If someone who is bisexual can no longer be bisexual if they are in a relationship, than a lesbian in a relationship should no longer be a lesbian, because that must mean they are keeping their options for other girls open. It shouldn't be threatening because no matter what a persons sexual orientation is or who your competition is, if you are in a healthy, loving, commited relationship it shouldn't matter. The problem that emerges with bisexuality is that there are so many annoying (especailly female) fake bisexuals that it gives the whole lot a bad name. I consider myself pansexual since to me love is not related to a gender identity but to connections between humans of all identities.

  5. Truer words were never spoken. You definitely hit the nail on the head with those excellent rules. It needed said!!

  6. How strange its like you know me -.- Hahah :) Thanks for the tip for my girl heh